The day has finally come! The Oscars are here. You can look at my final final predictions or just thoughts in general if you are bored, but now we can finally get things started, so join along at 5 PM PST, and let’s hope there is enough alcohol if the Oscars continue their trend of being the worst this year.
I am dead inside. The Oscars are a joke. Also I ended up with 15 of 24, so whatever.
8:16 PM PST: Julia Roberts is out to announce the travesty that is coming, I mean Best Picture. The winner is… Green Book. Just no, just no. Fuck you Academy. The rage. So much rage. Fuck everything, This is terrible. I am so angry and done. I will be back eventually with more rage. But I am done for now. Also like… no… just no.
8:10 PM PST: Guillermo Del Toro is out for Best Director. The winner is… Alfonso Cuaron. So that is as expected, and Cuaron wins again for his third speech of the night. Now time for the pain. Also I am 15 of 23.
7:59 PM PST: Frances McDormand and Sam Rockwell are out for Best Actress. The winner is… Olivia Colman. A well-deserved win that I didn’t think it would happen. Glenn Close will have to wait another year. I am 14 for 22. Colman is in tears and clearly flustered. She even apologizes to Glenn Close for winning at Close’s expense. This is amazing. Seriously. It almost makes up for what is still to come. She even thanked Lady Gaga, OMG that is the best speech.
7:57 PM PST: Amandla Stenberg and… John Lewis are out to present for Green Book. Oh fuck off, Oscars.
7:46 PM PST: Allison Janney and Gary Oldman are out for Best Actor. The winner… Rami Malek. He immediately thanks his mom. I am also 14 for 21. It is a nice speech, and no mention of Bryan Singer whatsoever.
7:43 PM PST: Barbra Streisand is out to present for BlacKkKlansman.
7:42 PM PST: Oh look, they are showing the Governor’s Awards in pseudo commercials.
7:39 PM PST: That was nice. Solid work from John Williams.
7:32 PM PST: The Academy president is out, and whatever, to present the In Memoriam. This is the only way the president should ever be used.
7:29 PM PST: Constance Wu and Chadwick Boseman are out to present for Best Original Song. The winner is… “Shallow.” The most expected award of the night. I am 13 for 20. Lady Gaga is bawling and her speech is full of all the emotion.
7:25 PM PST: Tessa Thompson and Michael B. Jordan are out to present for Best Score. The winner is… Black Panther. That is expected, and I went with my heart there when my head said that was a bad idea. I am 12 for 19. Also Fight On!!! USC alum.
7:18 PM PST: Now time for Adapted Screenplay. The winner is… BlacKkKlansman. Well, that is nice, Spike Lee is bleeped out for a very long time, and is now ready to spew fire because he has to follow fucking Green Book winning a screenplay award. His speech is amazing, and he gets a standing ovation. I am 12 for 18.
7:13 PM PST: Brie Larson and Samuel L. Jackson are out for Best Original Screenplay. The winner is… Green Book. This is going to get very bad. I am about to get very drunk because fuck the Academy. I am 11 for 17, but I don’t care because Green Book is winning Best Picture, so whatever.
7:10 PM PST: Krysten Ritter and Kiki Layne are out for Best Live Action Short. The winner is… “Skin.” Umm sure… 11 for 16.
7:04 PM PST: Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga just come up to perform “Shallow” because no one can intro this, so why not both? The sexual tension is palpable, so that is probably a problem for, you know, married man Bradley Cooper.
6:59 PM PST: Sarah Paulson and Paul Redd are out for Best Visual Effects. The winner is… First Man. This category continues to go its own way. I am eleven for fifteen.
6:56 PM PST: Diego Luna and José Andrés are out. They are presenting for Roma.
6:52 PM PST: And now for Best Documentary Short. The winner is… “Period. End of Sentence.” This came up strongly at the end, and is a good pick. I am eleven for fourteen.
6:45 PM PST: Awkwafina and John Mulaney are out to present and they are adorably awkward. They are there for Best Animated Short. The winner is… “Bao.” Yep, had to make it up to Pixar somehow, so there it is.
6:43 PM PST: Mike Myers and Dana Carvey are out to present for Bohemian Rhapsody.
6:36 PM PST: Kacey Musgraves is out having her best life as she presents “When A Cowboy Trades His Spurs For Wings.”
6:32 PM PST: Michelle Yeoh and Pharrell are out for Best Animated Feature. The winner is… Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. Congrats, you get to have a category still. I am nine for twelve. The speeches are awesome.
6:31 PM PST: Laura Dern is out to talk about the Academy museum.
6:24 PM PST: Charlize Theron and Daniel Craig are out to present to present for Best Supporting Actor. The winner is… Mahershala Ali. I am eight for 11. His speech is awesome because he is awesome.
6:21 PM PST: Michael Keaton is out to present for Best Editing. The winner… Bohemian Rhapsody, because why not? I mean, sure. This film is pulling a Traffic, and winning everything but Best Picture… hopefully. I am seven out of ten.
6:19 PM PST: Trevor Noah is out to present for Black Panther, and he is saying Wakanda Forever all over the place.
6:11 PM PST: Keegan Michael Key is out to present the performance for Mary Poppins Returns‘ “The Place Where Lost Things Go.” With Bette Midler singing, it is a good performance.
6:08 PM PST: Angela Bassett and Javier Bardem are out and Bardem is speaking in Spanish, because this is happening. They are presenting for Foreign Language Film. The winner is… Roma. Alfonso Cuaron is up again, and his speech is obviously awesome. Now I am seven out of nine.
6:06 PM PST: Queen Latifah is out to present for The Favourite.
6:01 PM PST: Now time for Best Sound Mixing. The winner is… Bohemian Rhapsody. That is the one category I am fine with this movie winning. Also I am now six for eight.
5:57 PM PST: Danai Gurira and James McAvoy are out to present for Best Sound Editing. The winner is Bohemian Rhapsody. I mean, I got that right at least, so that is something, so five for seven. Their speech is cute.
5:56 PM PST: Serena Williams is out to present A Star Is Born.
5:50 PM PST: Emilia Clarke is out to present Jennifer Hudson performing “I’ll Fight.” Hudson’s dress is amazing.
5:46 PM PST: Tyler Perry is out to present for Best Cinematography, and the shade is out about this category still being in the show. The winner is… Alfonso Cuaron. Cuaron becomes the first director to win this award for shooting his own film. I am four for six, and this is potentially the first of many speeches from Cuaron.
5:41 PM PST: Jennifer Lopez and Chris Evans are out to present for Best Production Design. The winner is… Black Panther. Oh nice, that was a bit more unexpected, and Hannah Beachler became the first African-American woman to win this award. Her speech is incredibly moving. I am 3 for 5, and totally fine with it. Also, this is exactly what Black Panther needed to win Best Picture, so just keep that in mind. Incredible speech, and a good night so far.
5:35 PM PST: Seriously, though, McCarthy and Henry’s bit was so awesome. More of that, please.
5:31 PM PST: Melissa McCarthy and Brian Tyree Henry are out in amazing costumes to announce Best Costume Design. The winner is… this is amazing, they are messing up opening the envelope. The winner is… Ruth Carter for Black Panther. I am totally fine with missing this one. This is so much deserved and is awesome. 3 for 4.
5:27 PM PST: Stephan James and Elsie Fisher are out to present for Best Makeup and Hairstyling. The winner is… Vice. 3 for 3. Hopefully, that is the last we mention Vice for the rest of the night. They are played off and their mic is cut.
5:26 PM PST: Tom Morello is out to introduce Vice because why not?
5:25 PM PST: I guess this year the montages are just being played in commercials. That is one solution.
5:21 PM PST: The speech goes too long, but is awesome. Very sweet. I am 2 for 2.
5:17 PM PST: Helen Mirren and Jason Momoa are out to present for Best Documentary. The winner is… Free Solo.
5:15 PM PST: There is a standing ovation, and she is bawling on stage. Her speech is awesome and sweet.
5:11 PM PST: They are presenting for Best Supporting Actress. The winner is… Regina King. One for one.
5:10 PM PST: Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, and Tina Fey are out to pretend to be the hosts and make jokes about it. Almost as if they could have hosted.
5:09 PM PST: And there is a montage. At least it is from this year, I guess.
5:00 PM PST: Well, one way to be different is to open with a Queen performance with Adam Lambert. So that is something, I guess.