We’re finally here. It’s time for the Oscars! Who will win? Who who will lose? And how right or wrong will my predictions be? This is the Oscar live blog, with a 100% more snark and Jell-O shots themed after every Best Picture nominee. Enjoy!
5:30 PM PST: And we’re off…
5:31 PM PST: Video montage of all the films, so that’s good. Also did they slip Concussion in to look better?
5:33 PM PST: Chris Rock right out the gate with a #sowhite reference. This is gonna be good.
5:34 PM PST: Hmm, I think 16 black people might be generous. He talks about if he should quit, and is like nah. I don’t want to lose a job to Kevin Hart.
5:35 PM PST: The question of why this Oscars is controversial, a pretty good point. The Oscars suck.
5:37 PM PST: Damn, Jada Pinkett Smith burn. Didn’t see that coming.
5:37 PM PST: Will Smith burn over Wild Wild West was very unexpected. And holy shit, that In Memoriam joke.
5:39 PM PST: Best Black Friend, best category ever. Oooh, Wanda Sykes reference. Is Hollywood racist? Chris Rock asks the question. The answer not as bad as you think, but you know, yeah… because they don’t hire black people.
5:41 PM PST: Hollywood is so a sorority house. Also, Rocky is definitely a science fiction film.
5:42 PM PST: So true, opportunity is so important because African Americans just don’t get enough of them for good acting parts. Also, look at fucking Leo’s face.
5:44 PM PST: Emily Blunt and Charlize Theron are out. Original Screenplay is up first. Didn’t see that coming. So let’s see what we got.
5:46 PM PST: I always love how they handle the screenplay presentation. Showing the words on screen is so cool. The winner is Spotlight. Well, that’s a good start for my predictions.
5:47 PM PST: Thank you scroll or not, they thank everyone anyway. So that failed. Nice short speech.
5:49 PM PST: Time for Adapted Screenplay with Ryan Gosling and Russel Crowe. Haha, taking credit for Russell Crowe’s Oscars is funny, Gosling.
5:50 PM PST: Time for a quick Spotlight shot.
- Grape Jell-O
- Top with a Vanilla Wafer with a Cross on It
5:52 PM PST: The winner is The Big Short. Two for two, and that means it is time for a The Big Short shot after this. And thank you’s happen regardless of scrolling once again. Still short speech. No real substance. This is going to be boring.
- Citrus Vodka
- Lemon/ Lime Jell-O
- Line of Powder Sugar Cocaine (I’ll admit we are slightly recyling the Wolf of Wall Street Shot from the past, but it still kind of works)
5:58 PM PST: Chris Rock is back out to show a clip about black people trying to get into movies. Whoopi Goldberg is in Joy. This film is so much better. Leslie Jones as the bear in The Revenant is even better. Tracy Morgan in The Danish Girl. This all just keeps getting better. Chris Rock in The Martian, this has gotten way better. Everything about this is great.
6:01 PM PST: Holy shit, Stacy Dash. This will go over the head of literally everyone, but hilarious, and man she is trying to seem funny about being awful. The audience is really confused, and meets here with silence because no Stacy Dash. The Weeknd summed up the proper reaction.
6:02 PM PST: Sarah Silverman out to skewer James Bond before Sam Smith sings his best song nominee “Writings on The Wall.” Shot time.
- Vodka and Peach Schnapps
- Lemon/ Blueberry Jell-O
- Topped with Gobstoppers
6:07 PM PST: Sam Smith was fine. Kerry Washington and Henry Cavill out to present clips for Best Picture noms. Also, damn, Cavill, you don’t have to be Superman all the time. That posture has to be uncomfortable.
6:09 PM PST: Hey, it’s Tenzin/Ford/JJ, JK Simmons out to present for Best Supporting Actress. Simmons is the best at everything.
6:13 PM PST: The winner is… Alicia Vikander for The Danish Girl. Three for three on predictions, though these have been easy. Like all her dresses this season, I am a fan. She is the best. Man, these speeches have been destroyed by the thank you scroll–now everyone just thanks people still with less time.
6:19 PM PST: Time for Best Costume. This is the most chaotic category. I went against my rule of voting for best corsets, but Mad Max everyone… and the winner is Mad Max. Awesome, 4 for 4. Also, that jacket is the best. Whooo, corset rule broken! Great choice. Hah, she called out the scrolling thanks, and still did shout outs. This is by far the best speech, and of course she gets played off. Sigh…
6:22 PM PST: Time for Production Design with Tina Fey and Steve Carell. They are awesome. Tina Fey is pretending to be drunk. Let’s go, Mad Max.
6:23 PM PST: The winner is Mad Max. 5 for 5, but still easy categories, so we’ll see if that continues. Can this speech be interesting? No…
6:25 PM PST: Make Up & Hairstyling is up with Jared Leto and Margot Robbie. The winner is Mad Max: Fury Road. Six for six.
6:28 PM PST: These speeches are the absolute worst. So boring.
6:28 PM PST: Benicio Del Toro and Jennifer Garner are out to talk about The Revenant. So shot time.
- Strawberry Jell-O
- Gummy Bear
6:29 PM PST: Time to present for Mad Max: Fury Road. So, you know, moving on.
6:35 PM PST: Suge Knight reference for the win. Time for Michael B. Jordan and Rachel McAdams and cinematography. Will Lubezki pull the three-peat?
6:36 PM PST: The winner is… Emmanuel Lubezki for The Revenant. Yep, he is the man. He should just be like, “yep, I’m awesome,” and leave. Sadly, he doesn’t.
6:38 PM PST: Time for Pryanka Chopra and Liev Schreiber. Time for Film Editing. The winner is Mad Max: Fury Road. Sweet. Seven for seven. Hey, this is almost a real speech, so she is of course played off. Sigh…
6:42 PM PST: Time for Black History Month Minute. It’s Will Smith… I mean Jack Black. Nice…
6:43 PM PST: Shot time. Soviet Bridge of Spies.
- Half Lemon/ Half Cherry Jell-O
- Sprinkles on top on shape of hammer and sickle
6:47 PM: Chadwick Boseman and Chris Evans are out for Best Sound Editing. This presentation is awesome. The winner is… Mad Max: Fury Road. Well, eight for eight, so cool.. Ooh, real speech… This is awesome. George Miller is the best. But real speech for the win.
6:50 PM: Time for Best Sound Mixing. I split when I probably shouldn’t have…
6:51 PM: The winner is… yep Mad Max. Shouldn’t have picked the split so 8 for 9.
6:53 PM: Played off even with a boring speech and Mad Max is six for seven. This probably means it will end up with the most awards for the night.
6:54 PM: Time for Visual Effects. I think Mad Max is unstoppable for these at this point. So I am probably going to be wrong. Andy Serkis to present.
6:55 PM: The winner is… The Revenant for the bear. Just kidding, wow, Ex Machina. Wait a second… First shocker of the night. So eight for ten now, but this awesome.
6:57 PM: He is stunned. So I forgive him for his speech, which is at least heartfelt. Oh, boo, they played them off before one of the winners could even speak.
6:58 PM: Jason Segal and Olivia Munn are out to talk about the Sci-Tech Awards. So shot time.
American Bridge of Spies
- Vodka and Peach Schnapps
- Half Cherry/ Blueberry Jell-O
- Sprinkles in shape of a Star
7:00 PM PST: Wow, C3PO, R2-D2, and BB8 are out. This is amazing. Poor 3PO, he is being abandoned. John Williams just to repeat has 50 nominations. Time for a break.
7:05 PM PST: Chris Rock is out to sell Girl Scout Cookies. Nice. This is cool.
7:06 PM PST: Time for Animated Shorts. This is going to hurt.
7:07 PM PST: The minions are presenting though, which is cool. The winner is… Bear Story. Yep, I punted this category out of principal, so 8 for 11.
7:09 PM PST: Sweet speech, and this is a good short, so at least it won over Sanjay’s. Go Chile!
7:10 PM PST: Woody and Buzz Lightyear to present for Animated Feature. I like that they are using animation this year to present, it is really cool. Can we just give it to Inside Out?
7:11 PM PST: The winner is… Inside Out. Yep, there it is. Disney/Pixar continue to dominate, but this is deserved. Hey, a kind of real speech, and not played off.
7:13 PM PST: Hey, its Kevin Hart. This feels appropriate. Time for for The Weeknd for “Earned It,” Fifty Shades of Grey. More shots time.
- Jim Bean
- Peach Jell-0
- Topped with a Sour Patch Kid Wrapped on a Fruit Roll-Up
7:22 PM PST: Kate Winslet and Reese Witherspoon are out to present clips for Spotlight and Bridge of Spies
. Damn, they tricked me onto ciming back.
7:24 PM PST: Chris Rock is back out to presents clips about being at his favorite theatre in Compton to talk about the #Oscarsowhite controversy. Brilliant!
7:26 PM PST: Yep, most Oscar movies normal people have never seen. Also a By The Sea shout out. Damn.
7:27 PM PST: This was the best. Patricia Arquette is out for Supporting Actor. Is this Sly’s year?
7:30 PM PST: The winner is… Mark Rylance. Ooh, slightly surprising. 8 for 12 now, and I have missed four in a row. So, yep this is happening. Stallone probably got burned by the people not wanting to honor just him from Creed. His speech is really good. He is classy, and actually saying things. So go Mark Rylance, and of course he is played off.
7:34 PM PST: Break and shot time.
- Irish Car Bomb Shot
- Guiness Extra Stout and Jellotin Base
- Bailey’s and Jellotin
- Top with Italian Flags with Shamrocks on them
Never do this shot…
7:37 PM PST: Louis C.K. here to present Best Short Documentary film. He looks snazzy in a black suit. “You came here winners and you’re leaving millionaires.” But this award makes a difference. “You cannot make a dime on this. These people will never be rich as long as they live.” “This Oscar is going home in a Honda Civic.” So good. God bless you, Louis.
7:40 PM PST: And the Oscar goes… Mad Max? No, Louis is just fucking with us. A Girl in the River takes it home for Best Documentary Short. Another missed prediction for me. Oh well. Great sentiments from winner Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy about a just society for women. Getting played off as she brings up current events in Pakistan.
7:41 PM PST: Daisy Ridley and Dev Patel are out for Best Documentary. Can I get out of my funk?
7:43 PM PST: The winner is… Amy. Hey, I picked another winner. Back on track. The speech is short and sweet.
7:44 PM PST: Sigh, the accountant segment. Wait a second, those are Chinese children! Well played.
7:49 PM PST: Girl Scout Cookie skit continues. They raised a lot of money, thanks to Suge Knight.
7:50 PM PST: Governor Awards are being talked about. This should really be back in the show. Sigh, real speeches would have been nice.
7:51 PM PST: I refrain from a shot out of respect.
7:52 PM PST: Time for the President of the Academy, so yeah, now time for a shot.
- Strawberry Jell-O
- Top with Mint Leaf
7:54 PM PST: Lou Gossett Junior is out to present Dave Grohl for In Memoriam.
7:59 PM PST: They have gotten so much better at this. Taking out the applause fixes so much. Also not showing the performer. This worked really well.
8:04 PM PST: Jacob Tremblay and Abraham Attah are out for Live Action Short. Can I pick any of them? The winner is… Stutterer. So that’s a miss, and no short picks for me. This category loves British films, because even by short standards there is nothing to this film. So yeah, I did really bad during the hard part. The speeches are pretty normal, and one of the winners doesn’t even get to talk.
8:06 PM PST: Foreign Film is out with Byung-Hung Lee and Sofia Vergara to present. The winner is… Son of Saul. Hey, I got one. I mean, it was an easy one, but I will take it.
8:08 PM PST: Lots of thank you’s. Good for Hungary for its win. Fun Times. Also a good speech.
8:09 PM PST: Well, yep, the Vice President of the United States Joe Biden is out. He is introducing Lady Gaga, and taking a stand against rape. A good stance to take. Take the pledge to prevent rape of both women and men. ItsOnUS.org
8:13 PM PST: Lady GaGa is pretty good. Is this a set up for her win?
8:20 PM PST: Pharrell and Quincy Jones are out for Best Score. Is this Morricone’s time?
8:22 PM PST: The winner is… Ennio Morricone for The Hateful Eight. Good for him, he is due. This is especially cool since they gave him an honorary Oscar a few years ago, which is basically for people that the Academy thinks won’t win again. Thank God Tarantino isn’t doing this speech. I enjoy that Ennio is giving his speech in Italian. Go Morricone, well-deserved.
8:26 PM PST: Time for Best Song with Common and John Legend to present. The winner is… “Writings on the Wall.” Oh my, this is unexpected. The love for Bond is strong. Ooh, LGBT shout out. Nice, Sam Smith.
8:28 PM PST: Hey, it’s Sasha Baron Cohen and Ali G along with Olivia Wilde to present Best Picture nominees. First up is Room. Next up is Brooklyn. Now time for a shot.
- Coconut Rum
- Peach Schnapps
- Orange Jell-O
- Silver Sprinkles
- Spray Chrome on Shot Before Saying Witness and Taking
8:36 PM PST: JJ Abrams is out for Best Director. Is history about to be made?
8:37 PM PST: Nice presentation. The winner is… Alejandro González Iñárritu for The Revenant. First two in a row winner since Joseph L. Mankiewicz in 1949 and 1950. His speech is boring, but whatever. He can do whatever he wants. Holt shit, he is being played off, but ignoring the music. Go Iñárritu. Keep talking. I totally approve. He is talking about race so they gave up. Iñárritu wins.
8:43 PM PST: Hey, they honored the conductor. Time for Best Actress. Eddie Redmayne is out. Is this Brie Larson’s time?
8:47 PM PST: The winner is… Brie Larson for Room. That’s cool. She is giving a wide array of thank you’s. She is so damn earnest it makes the boring speech work. Sincerity for the win! Now time for Leo.
8:52 PM PST: Julianne Moore is out for Best Actor, so time for Leo’s coronation.
8:53 PM PST: Cranston’s face. Amazing. Ooh, CG Matt Damon beard.
8:55 PM PST: The winner is… Leonardo DiCaprio for The Revenant. There we go. Time for the speech of a robot. Nice crowd reaction.
8:56 PM PST: There is the prepared speech with lots of thank yous. He will never be played out. Now time for global warming warning. Nice use of time at least. By far his best speech this season, but not a high bar to clear.
8:58 PM PST: Morgan Freeman is out for Best Picture. The Revenant destined to greatness? I need a shot.
8:59 PM PST: The best picture is… Spotlight!!!! Yes! Not The Revenant. Wooooooo!
9:01 PM PST: That is a bit of a surprise, but I am good with it. My third best film of the year. More importantly, not The Revenant. Nice speech. Chris Rock ends the show with Girl Scout Cookies. Wait, that is a treefoil in a thin mints box! Hmmm. Well, I got 16 of 24. Not as good as last year, but okay. I, however, was foiled by my roommate by one point once again. Sigh, this always happens…. Matt!!!!!
That’s it for the show. It was fun. Peace out everyone!