It’s 2016, and time for the Hollywood Award season to kick into gear with the the 73rd Annual Golden Globes. You can view all the nominees here. As is becoming a tradition, I will be here to bring live updates as the awards unfold, so keep checking in to see my thoughts on the only award show that is far more about watching what happens when drunk celebrities get on national television than the actual awards (I kid, I kid… sort of…).
5:00 PM PST: Ricky Gervais is out and ready to pretend to be offensive.
5:01 PM PST: Gervais starts small with some minor banter and shots about who is famous. Nice shot at NBC about the network having zero nominations (so, so true). Gervais treads on tightrope with jokes about Caitlyn Jenner that mostly works.
5:03 PM PST: Jeffrey Tambor is not amused by Gervais. The room is slowly warming up to Gervais, though.
5:04 PM PST: Excellent joke about studios paying off the Golden Globes and getting their stars to show up.
5:06 PM PST: Easy Pixels joke followed by an incredibly biting joke about women not getting equal pay in films. Melissa McCarthy’s reaction is perfect. Also, way to take a shot at how pointless the Globes are, when in a lot of ways they are just about the Foreign Press getting face time with stars.
5:08 PM PST: Channing Tatum comes out with some very strange hair and Jonah Hill as the bear from The Revenant. This could be fun.
5:09 PM PST: Lots of bleeping happening, and Jane Fonda is not thrilled (she must not be drunk enough). Time for Best Supporting Actress. Tatum forgets the winner card, and has to go get it, but the The Winner is Kate Winslet for Steve Jobs.
5:12 PM PST: Winslet seems pretty overwhelmed, and genuinely seems thrilled to have won, so of course she is played off. Great start so far…
5:13 PM PST: Jennifer Lopez and The Rock are out to present for the silly Supporting Actress in basically every type of thing on Television award. The Winner is Maura Tierney for The Affair. This Foreign Press loves The Affair so this allows them to award it in some way tonight.
5:16 PM PST: Tierney is thrilled, and befuddled. She gets through a rambling speech, which allows her to stop speaking before she is played off. Though I question if she was actually done speaking.
5:21 PM PST: Andy Samberg is out to act like a host. Also, the guitarist from Mad Max playing In Memoriam would be amazing. Time for Best Actress in a Comedy for TV. The Winner is Rachel Bloom for Crazy-Ex Girlfriend. This seems about right, as the Foreign Press is on an “Actresses from CW shows are awesome” binge. Bloom almost made it before being played out.
5:24 PM PST: Oh God, its Terrence Howard and Taraji Henson. But they have to move fast to save some time, so they don’t get to be awesome. Onto Best Comedy Series. The Winner is Mozart in The Jungle. Well, I knew a Amazon show would win, and this result did seem like it was trending towards happening so that the Foreign Press could honor something new. Not a completely undeserved win, certainly, as this is a very good show.
5:26 PM PST: Sheesh, they are playing everyone off. Seems a bit weird that they gave out the Comedy Award before they finished giving out the acting awards. Viola Davis is out being awesome to present the clips for Carol.
5:33 PM PST: Gervais is out to introduce a dude that represents the Hollywood Foreign Press. That is honestly that is all that deserves to be said about this. At least the dude sounds sincere, so good for him, I guess. Also, he was short and to the point, so about the best you could ever hope for.
5:34 PM PST: Matt Damon is out to talk about his hilarious comedy The Martian. Clips are shown. Yada yada yada…
5:36 PM PST: Orlando Bloom and Bryce Dallas Howard are out. Time for Best TV Limited Series or Motion Picture for TV. The Winner is Wolf Hall, because of course it it. Wolf Hall is British and made of prestige, so it makes a lot of sense. Like everyone else, he is played off, but he just goes with it, and is therefore my hero.
5:39 PM PST: Jaimie Alexander and Amber Heard are out for Best Actor in a TV Limited Series or Motion Picture. After some clear prompter issues, the Winner is Oscar Isaac for Show Me a Hero. Good for Isaac, who likely benefited from the “give someone from Star Wars some sort of love if possible” sentiment in the Hollywood Foreign Press.
5:46 PM PST: Jason Staitham is the best. Also, clips for Spy are played.
5:47 PM PST: Lady Gaga and Tom Ford are out for the silly Supporting Actor in basically every type of thing on Television award. The Winner is Christian Slater for Mr. Robot. Awesome! Hopefully that is a sign of things to come for Mr. Robot.
5:50 PM PST: Slater’s speech is solid, and he is both very thrilled to win and the first person to not really be played off. Next up is Jaimie Fox and Lily James, and Fox is either drunk or he just really likes Lily James. Anyhow, time for Best Score. The Winner is Straight Out of Compton… wait a second, Fox just went full Steve Harvey (so touche for playing that perfectly). Instead the real Winner is Ennio Morricone for Hateful Eight.
5:53 PM PST: Oh lord, Morricone is not here, so Tarantino takes the stage. He is definitely drunk. The speech is very Tarantino.
5:55 PM PST: America Ferrera and Eva Longoria are out and taking shots at people saying they look like other Hispanic actresses. Time for Best Actor in a Drama Series. The Winner is John Hamm. No issues with this, Rami Malek will have plenty of chances.
5:57 PM PST: Hamm’s speech is full of grace, and he seems much calmer than he was at the Emmys, though he once again did not expect to win.
6:03 PM PST: Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence are out in all of their besties glory. More audio dropping out during the best jokes because of cursing and stuff. These two really do seem to be friends, so this is fun. Though, as good as this is, this time should probably go to letting the winners speak. Anyhow, time for clips from Joy and Trainwreck.
6:06 PM PST: Amy Adams is out for Best Actor for a Comedy. The Winner is Matt Damon in The Martian, because everyone loves Matt Damon (even if he keeps saying stupid things).
6:08 PM PST: Dude, whoever clapped when Damon named dropped Hollywood Foreign Press, you are my hero. Damon is very humble on stage.
6:10 PM PST: Damon doesn’t get played off, and is the very definition of cool on stage.
6:14 PM PST: Kate Hudson and Kurt Russel are out. The crowd is pretty uproarious. Time for Best Animated Picture, and the Winner is Inside Out, because Pixar made it so it wins automatically (look, I love this movie, but if Anomalisa could have won, I would have been really happy).
6:17 PM PST: Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt are out, and Gosling is playing a petulant presenter really well. Time for clips from The Big Short.
6:19 PM PST: JK Simmons and Patricia Arquette are out for Best Supporting Actor. The Winner is Sylvester Stallone, and the room loves it. Everyone loves a good comeback story, especially when it is literally Rocky making the comeback. Well-deserved for such a haunting performance reprising an iconic role.
6:21 PM PST: Stallone is overwhelmed. He really relishes being up there as a winner again. He also pulls a nice set of fake speech endings, which is quite funny.
6:26 PM PST: Mark Walhburg and Will Ferrel are out in hilarious glasses, and laughter is everywhere. Nice shot at TV people followed by more sound dropping as funny jokes are told with curse words. They both are having fun–too bad the last thing they did together was Daddy’s Home. Time for Best Screenplay, and the Winner is Aaron Sorkin. Weird winner, but Sorkin is awesome, so these things happen. He is completely surprised so his speech is short.
6:31 PM PST: Grant Gustin and Melissa Benoist are out for Best Actor in a Comedy. Aziz Ansari is the best, even in the face of imminent defeat, as he pretends to read a book called “Losing Gracefully to Jeffrey Tambor.” The winner is Jeffrey Tam– err, umm, Gael Garcia Bernal in Mozart in the Jungle. That was unexpected. The Foreign Press really loves Mozart in the Jungle. This was so unexpected that the music didn’t know how long to last while Bernal walked up, and actually had to start again, as he had been sitting so far in the back.
6:38 PM PST: Helen Mirren and Gerard Butler are out for Foreign Language Film. The Winner is Son of Saul. Hurray for Hungary! This is one of the top films I need to still see from last year.
6:40 PM PST: Oh man, they started to play the director off, but then as soon as he said Holocaust, they stopped the music completely. That’s what you get for playing everyone off.
6:41 PM PST: Gervais is out to remind us these awards are meaningless. Ken Jeong and Kevin Hart are out for Best Actress in Limited Series or Motion Picture for Television, and the Winner is Lady Gaga for American Horror Story: Hotel.
6:44 PM PST: Lady Gaga gives a nice but very nervous speech, and we get more reminders of how great a person Ryan Murphy is. I just wish he could write better. Gaga certainly cares about this award, even if Gervais thinks she shouldn’t.
6:51 PM PST: Katy Perry is out for Best Original Song. The Winner is ‘Writings on the Wall’ from Spectre. Sam Smith is drunk, and it is great.
6:54 PM PST: Gervais is out, looking so bitter and drunk. Now time to bring out Mel Gibson. This is fun. The two of them have a great bit ruined by the sound dropping out during the funny part. Now time for clips from Mad Max Fury Road, aka best movie.
6:57 PM PST: Olivia Wilde and John Krasinski are out to present for Best Television Drama. The Winner is Mr. Robot. Hurray! This is the best.
6:59 PM PST: Sam Esmail gives a really good speech. I’m glad the Globes didn’t get too cute and give this to Outlander.
7:04 PM PST: Tom Hanks is out, cold and all. He talks a lot about movies and great actors, and then presents the Cecil B. DeMille Award to Denzel Washington.
7:08 PM PST: Would have been funny if everything Hanks said was just to promote Bridge of Spies, but honoring Denzel will do.
7:14 PM PST: Classy speech, Denzel. Keep being awesome. Your family is also awesome.
7:19 PM PST: Chris Evans is here, and talking about Spotlight. Clips and such follow.
7:20 PM PST: Gervais returns. He really hates this. He looks like he wants to burn this place down. It is great. Time for Morgan Freeman, and Best Director Motion Picture. The Winner is Alejandro González Iñárritu for The Revenant. I wonder if this is because they didn’t give him the award last year for best director, but this was a loaded field, so anyone would have been deserving. They try to play him off. He ignores them.
7:24 PM PST: Sophia Bush and Kate Bosworth are out to randomly present for Best Actress in Television Comedy, because there is no order to any of this. The Winner is Taraji P. Henson for Empire. Henson is handing out cookies she walks up, and is the absolute best.
7:27 PM PST: Henson just called out someone for telling her to wrap up her speech. Seriously, amazing. They try to play her off, and she keeps talking until she finishes what she has to say. That was great.
7:32 PM PST: Michael Keaton is out for Best Actress in Motion Picture Comedy. The Winner is Jennifer Lawrence in Joy because, you know, it’s Jennifer Lawrence.
7:33 PM PST: Lawrence thanks David O’Russell again, even though he did her no favors with the movie he put her in this time. Lawrence keeps things short because at this point this is old hat for her.
7:34 PM PST: Maggie Gyllanhal is out to talk about Room. Clips and such follow.
7:39 PM PST: Toby Maguire is out to show clips for what may end up being the big winner of the night, The Revenant. Though I have no idea why he is doing it.
7:42 PM PST: Jim Carrey is out, and pokes fun at how important or really not important these awards are. Time for the Best Picture in Motion Picture Comedy. The Winner is… wait for it… ummmm… The Martian. Look, the movie is really funny so that’s something. Ridley Scott is very thrilled.
7:46 PM PST: Scott muses about Star Wars, and they try to play him off. He ignores the music, and basically tells them to fuck off. He has so many cards. You get lots of points for this, Scott. Lots of points.
7:51 PM PST: Gervais is out again, and fails at introducing Eddie Redmayne. Redmayne is there for Best Drama Actress. The Winner is Brie Larson for Room. The room loves this. Larson is thrilled, and makes an unexpectedly great joke about the Hollywood Foreign Press.
7:54 PM PST: Julianne Moore is out for Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama. The Winner is Leo DiCaprio in The Revenant. The room really loves this, and Leo has a look on his face that says that he knows that this is finally his year (so the Academy will probably swerve just to spite him). Time to hear more about how hard this movie was to make, which is great and all, but doesn’t mean I should give you all of the awards.
7:57 PM PST: Oooh, even Leo is being played off. I give the orchestra credit, at least this year everyone is played off, no matter who they are. Though the orchestra just kind of gave up with Leo, because it’s Leo.
8:02 PM PST: Time for the final award. Harrison Ford is out for Best Drama in Motion Pictures. Ford seems drunk, and the Winner is The Revenant. The night seemed to be building to this. It might be a harbinger of things to come (doubtful), but likely it also could just be that the Hollywood Foreign Press just loves this movie, and was sorry it didn’t vote for Birdman last year. Who the hell knows… Anyhow, Iñárritu thanks some people, and in rightful fashion gets played off.
8:04 PM PST: Gervais returns, and is basically like, “Get the hell out,” so good show, everyone.
8:09 PM PST: Okay, time for the 73rd annual Golden Globes. This should be a good night. Ricky Gervais is out to pretend to be mean to Hollywood until he gets drunk, and then is actually mean. So– just kidding, everyone. The reshowing of the Globes has started because of West Coast airings and such.
This was fun as always. Big winners were definitely The Revenant, the orchestra, and Ridley Scott and Taraji P. Henson for telling the orchestra to fuck off. Big loser is Sylvester Stallone for forgetting to thank Ryan Coogler and Michael B. Jordan (something I’ll admit I didn’t notice, because I barely pay any attention to the actual award speeches, so I apologize) for helping him be relevant critically once again. SMH. See you all next time!